The Worst Flight Ever.

Here are my notes from Singapore to Cairo:

So far on all three flights I have worn a white shirt and I have confirmed that they are magnetically attracted to dark liquid such as food or drink and these substances lodge themselves in locations for maximum impact for the wearer. Which I thought was interesting. As I write this, both my white shirts are being laundered by the The Grande Nile Hotel. I'll let you know how that turns out.

On Day 2 of my odyssey I noticed a twitch in my lip here:

I was bored on the plane so I photographed it. Perhaps I should have videoed it. (Note to self: video twitch... the internet wants to know)

So I watched some movies in my 7 hours flight and found... KITTEN TV!! Imagine that! Hours of kittens... just... doing kitten stuff.

Brilliant!

I thought you might enjoy this conversation:

Emirates Steward: Beef or Chicken?
Me: Chicken please
ER: something something something
Me: er... water please
ER: What?
Me: Sorry?
ER: Beef or Chicken?
Me: Chicken Please?
ER: we don't have Chicken would you like Beef?
Me: Er... sure.
ER: Do you want something to drink?

You can guess the rest.

So the first seven hours were fine. Seats comfy, no problem. But then.... as we approached Dubai there was a massive fuck-off storm swirly around the city, so we were in a long holding pattern and I was watching the clock tick closer and closer to the boarding time for my connecting flight... then closer and closer to the flight gate closing time... stress.... lip twitch like a muthfukka.....

As we landed you could see cars driving through deep flooded streets.... in the desert!

So after much kafuffle we are released from the fuselage into the monstrous Dubai airport.... in Section A. My connection is in Section B.

Deep Breath. Ok.

A lady in a funny hat and heels -

Said "Cairo, Nairobi, Amsterdam" about 120 times while legging it across the airport, up and down elevators, caught a train, through security... to pant and puff and .... seriously...??

The connecting flight is being held up by the boarding  of a woman about 100kg in a wheel chair. We have to wait to board (BTW: We are well past the flight's scheduled time to leave, at this stage).. and I follow her down the packed aisle that she can not fit down at all. She won't pull her elbows in and keeps bumping into everything.

She is finally at her seat and then.... the steward says... Madam please take you seat before this lady sits down. What? No! I booked a seat in the emergency section... I'm sure of it. OMG! The ticket says... I'm spending 4 hours next to this lady.

I climb in and and for over and hour we drive around the tarmac then for 2 hours I'm between the window seat and the aisle and this lady has half of her body draped over the arm rest and her elbow in my ribs. Lunch - was impossible. I could not eat with one arm pulled across my body and this woman did her best to spill everything everywhere... oh and just put her shit on my table - nice - I felt like I was in an episode of Seinfeld. Oh and she had a  bottle of red wine! I fucking HATE red wine. It stains everything. It is banned in my home. This wine  goes everywhere ...... drips on my dress -- managed to keep my white shirt out of it... but bloody hell... so uncomfortable - tried to help her mop it up... but stewards were no where to be found. Then she pulls up her tasteful leopard print jacket from the floor and it is drenched in wine... "ARGH" and "NO" I say as calmly as possible as she tries to put it ON MY LAP!

So I'm sitting on one buttock in the corner of my seat away from her to keep the red wine from my shirt and my spine is screaming.

There was ONE man who sat across the aisle who could speak this woman's language - no one else could understand her. Yes, she's travelling alone to Cairo, in a wheel chair with one working arm. That's courageous! So this guy has a conversation with her... and I knew exactly what it was about... I watched her speaking... and he replied with his hand on his heart like he was the nicest guy in the world and then he pointed back to the kitchen in the plane and got up... I knew it... he was going to get her another bloody bottle of red wine.

"Fuck this" I thought, and stood up and squeezed past her and she screamed and  let out all types of hell as I had to try and step past her legs and I turned and said, "I'm so sorry, but I think I have to marry you now"

No one laughed.

Anyway I had planned to spend the rest of the flight standing up when the angel of mercy happened by and found me a another free seat... and low and behold... it was the seat I thought I had booked!!!

In my new location I can see why no steward came to assist us.... Chinese tourists. No one will sit down, no one will do what the stewards ask them to do - going the toilet while landing!!! arguing , shouting, talking at once, driving everyone mad. It was hilarious. As I left the aircraft I said to one of the lovely stewards who never lost her temper "You have the hardest job in the world!"

And then... I was in Egypt!


 

Singapore

So I took these pictures when the Doctor and I went to rescue The Face of Bo and we... hang on... no it's just Singapore.


Just spent the past three hours walking around the Gardens by the Bay and here are a selection of photos to help you feel like you were there.

Nothing says South East Asia than Mi Goreng and Pancakes for breakfast.

Now if you're not into sculpture and art, you might find this section a bit boring.

So lovely. And something to draw later.

An now for some plants and my entertaining insightful remarks:

Sad cactus slugs no one wants to hug.

Deck the halls with boughs of cactus... ouch ouch ouch ouch ooouch, ouch ouch ouch ouch.

This cactus will not only prick you, it'll totally screw you too!

When North Korea finally unloads all type of hell, we will all live here.

A quick trip to Alpha Centuri Space Module

Me among the enigmatic Puerto Rican Hat Palms. And a boat in the sky.

They are SO enigmatic.

I decided the following picture is the most emblematic of Singapore - Highly stylised trees in front of metal mesh with safety sights and flood lighting. This could replace the lion fish.

Now it''s time for lunch and off to the ZOO!!!

The hair and the nails and one more sleep!

Well it's been a big week. I have endured a number of injuries and ailments which have finally narrowed to just one excruciatingly painful infected ear. Yay for me.

Yesterday I got my nails down, here's Daph modelling them for you.

This morning I went to the usual place I hide my credit card from myself and... it was not there! Turned the house upside down... went to the bank.... they tried to sell me on the idea of a travel card, but they they admitted that it was just cheaper to use my regular debit card... so... that was weird. Tried to buy some US$ but it took about 20 minutes to work out if they were buying or selling the currency. Seriously! It was like Faulty Towers.

Anyway, while I was lying on the bed getting my legs waxed, I thought... "The credit card might be in my swimming bag"... and low and behold.... it was. Thank God.

Yes, I know. Do you think you can stand the excitement and read on? The stories don't get any better. One positive thing about my blog posts, is that that they are short.

Today was hair dresser day. I liked the cut andd they did a good job lightening the hair, but the pink colour was well... see for yourself.

Peach Poodle!

Nope. It will not do. So off to Hairhouse Warehouse I went and then came home and did this.

Now THAT'S pink hair!

One more sleep and one last sort through my packing to check I have everything and I'm off to Singapore tomorrow afternoon!

See you there!

The solution to my blogging ills.

Well,  I bought a bluetooth keyboard to work with my iPhone so I can travel light and blog my way round on my trip. Alas, Blogger is not iPhone friendly regardless of the 4 browsers I used with Apps and whatever foolishness I tried.

Here is my solution...

Ahhhh.... that's better!

Only 1.2Kg and mere 26cm x 18cm. The size of an exercise book. $500 ... I wasn't expecting to throw away, but at least my blog can continue.


I have just spent an entire Saturday morning setting up Kaspersky and Nord VPN on my new laptop. Hot Tip: If you get Nord, and I recommend you do, when ever it says "Enter your email address" they mean UserName. So write your Username down somewhere. Oh! And don't use uppercase or special characters in your password because Nord's online database will shut down and sit in a corner and cry.

Blog on! 

Developing a style

One can not show one’s face in the land of the Renaissance with a paint brush and paper without having sorted out what the hell one will do with them.

I had dreams of painting water coulour everywhere, but it’s not always a convenient method, so I decided to go the pencil drawing then over wash with watercolour. I have also decided to halve the number of paints I take to slim down the luggage. I also had a dream of travelling with only carry on, but that is unfeasible. God, I hate checking in luggage!

Here is my new paint tin.

Here are a few sketches (I’ve been practicing).

This is a portrait of Michaelangelo Buonarroti.

This is a portrait of Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci.

This is the Santa Croce where the tombs of Michelangelo and Galileo are flamboyantly installed. (Plus cat tail!)

14 more sleeps!!!!

More on the bat-shit crazy way this blog is made on my iPhone:

It's not. It's impossible. I was about to start a rant on how I have assorted apps to help me edit my blog BUT!!!!! I just couldn't do it with my iPhone. I could create a post in BlogTouch, but couldn't add images or edit it once it was posted. Couldn't use Safari so I added Chrome... which wouldn't let me edit or add images either. Managed to find Puffin which allows me to scroll and add images... but editing the text is IMPOSSIBLE.

Argh! Maybe I should just buy a laptop?

Only 19 days to go before I’m off.

Well here I am in readiment for my big adventure. The Bluetooth keyboard came in the post last week and here I am checking out how it works with my phone. It does. Very well indeed!

Others things I’ve been doing in readiment include:

• Buying expensive clothing
• Booking a cat sitter because I couldn’t find a house sitter
• French lessons
• Practising walking in my boots
• Trying to get well so I don’t get sick on holiday
• Practising drawing technique so I don’t end up looking like a nong.

I am also reading this:

 It is a biography of Michaelangelo - 34 hours long audio book. I have 11 hours left and he's only just started the Sistine Chapel.

I would just like to say, at this point, that I have just spend the best part of an hour getting this image off my phone. Apparently my choice of phone (iPhone) is not supported by Google's Blogger.

I have created the following infographic to help you understand my situation.

OK.... perhaps I should buy a tiny laptop and be done with it?

Anyway... what was a talking about? Oh yes! Preparations!

Once I have finished the story of Michaelangelo, I'll read the new Leonardo Di Vinci biography by Walter Isaacson. Read the Michael White one years ago, but don't get much time to read paper these days. My two hours in the car each day mean I plow through audio books like a... big plow-ey thing... like...a plow, possibly.

When I get over there, I'll know the back stories and it makes it a more exciting experience. I'll see nearly all of Michelangelo's remaining work in Paris, Bruges, Florence and Rome. I'll see most of Leonardo's work, but I'll be missing out on Milan, which is a shame, I'll see if I can pop over if I have time.

It is important to be well prepared. Before I get my pencils and brushes out in Paris and Florence, I must practice! Here are two examples: The David's hand... look at the weird finger! and The Pieta. She's a bit wooden, but hopefully I'll get better.

 OK.

Had enough of this for today.
Better do some housework or something useful.

PART TWO: Resolving the iPhone Photo Issue:

Omg. I did it!

For people who have a Blogger account and an iPhone and want to use your iPhone to blog your life away.. it's taken the past 105 minutes to work it out...

BlogTouch Pro is a great app for editing your Blogger account, but it won't let you add images. So you need to use Safari to log into your blogger account to upload your images. BUT! Google hates Apple and since the Picasaweb purchase in 2016 they don't support mobile apple products to upload photos. SO... you get Google Photos (a free app from the App store) and it automatically uploads all your photos to Google for their "safe" keeping and monitoring of all aspects of your life because, well, they really are just that interested....then once you access blogger through Safari and you select "Add images from Phone" they will appear. and evidence is supplied above of my widdle girl.