Lady Da Da goes La-De-Da.: Baguettes, Nougat and "Slashing the canvases of last nights paintings"

Hope everyone has survived the 2017 yule time. I decided to stay in my boudoir and rest, and paint and listen to my Leonardo da Vinci audio book.

I though I should continue with yesterdays trip to Montemarte.

I left my hotel Champbiges Elysees -

and headed to the Metro. To get to Montmarte I had to catch 3 trains. Which was just like being on a treasure hunt. So exciting...

Made it to Montemarte by 9.30am... on a Sunday! Hmmm... I don't think this was such a great idea. Well, I found Le Chat Noir and Moulan Rouge and had a coffee and a croissant and more sparkling water (Seriously, I'll be ballooning over Baghdad in a day or two).

Spent my morning more slowly doing a drawing of the bar. I can't help but think the photo of the barman is reminiscent of Manet's painting of the barmaid at Folies-Bergère.

("many tits" - Remy. Travel Man: Paris)

Well, I had the bright idea of buying some noms (baguette, cheese, figs, macarons, nougat) to eat in my hotel boudoir christmas day. So I did that... then... the sparkling water caught up with me... public toilet? Anywhere? Cafe? OK. Google maps sent me 1 Km down the hill to where no toilet was to be found. I was literally wetting myself and I went into a cafe and said "Pardon! Toilette??" in a panicky voice with a panicky expression on my face. "Bonjour?" said the waiter indignantly and then threw a gesture to where the toilet was.... oh... the relief! I was having visions of getting arrested for pubic urination.

Didn't see much of Montemarte... did get to see the Sacre Coeur.... the urgency to urinate led me too far away to bother walking all the way back up the hill. But it did mean I ended up in an area I would not have visited for any other reason.

Came back to the hotel to do a spot of blogging and get ready for the monumental dinner of a lifetime.

And here it is.

They printed the menu on this card and mine was special because I wasn't going to eat shellfish.

The place is gorgeous and fancy and there are SO many waiters! I was offered Champagne and I decided "why not" so I had one glass and told the wine waiter I would only have one glass because I don't drink. But OH BOY! That was nice shampoo! So .... I had a second, which I shouldn't have had because it made me sick... no drinking! From now on. No drinking! But jeeze it was nice!

So I'm given an Oyster! All dolled up with a crisp thingy and some stuff on it.

"It is to be enjoyed in one bite" the waiter said. This photo is after that one bite.. but you know, it was the evidence that it happened. I didn't hate it. But I can see how that delicate oceany flavour could be appealing. I just know too much about filter feeders really relax into it.

Then the course I liked the best. Steamed vegetable in a salt rock crust. I was given a long stick with a tiny fork on the end to take each vege and dip it in some truffle sauce.

I was all ready to eat with the cutlery from the outside in... but they just kept giving me different cutlery each time, and at one point I was given a new napkin.

The bread was amazing - this is greatest rye bread I have ever eaten. Oh! And they had a special device for scraping the crumbs off the table with. Fancy!

Then the third course - I really didn't like. Fois gras. My unsophisticated palette could not appreciate it at all. And the pastry was greasy and heavy, I just couldn't eat it. The "salad" was some greens completely covered in sliced black truffle. Black truffle is certainly a shock to the senses. Not sure if I have the vocabulary to describe it... bitter, earthy, musky. Nothing like anything I've ever eaten. I don't think I will ever appreciate it, the smell was making me feel nausea. (Or was it the champagne?). Either way it wasn't helping. A fiend once said "Women don't smell like fish, they smell like french food". He's right. Truffles smell live vagina.

The fourth course was John Dory - nice but nothing special and the fifth course was Sea Bass, which... I'm gong to sound like a complete barbarian now... tasted like the John Dory. Sorry seafood fans.

By then, my head was swimming, I was so full and feeling really sick. The oyster? The smell of the truffle in every-fucking-thing? The champagne?

They asked me if everything was ok as I had stopped eating. I told them, I had never eaten so much food in all my life. I was really full, and increasingly feeling very sick. I told them, lets forget the saddle of venison and go straight to the dessert.

Oh Boy!

This was the worst thing I have ever tasted. The overwhelming pungency of the truffle slices on top, the black shell... no idea what it was ... dark chocolate with some sort or black velvety fungus growing on it. There was some sweetness inside in the cream, but the thing that made it incredibly inedible was the lighter brown sauce poured around it. It was truffle turned up to eleven (to the power of eleven). Heady - over-whelming.

Awful.

I watched a dad with his daughter of about 11-12 years of age eating all these dishes. Wow.

Anyway, I couldn't eat it and I asked for the bill for the wine and sparkling water I drank and asked them to get me a taxi.

Regrets? Nope! It was an amazing experience. How else would have known what food at Paris' number one restaurant would be like?!

Tonight I'll be heading to Le Train Bleu - cheaper and I know what I'm ordering!

Today I slept and painted.