Here are my notes from Singapore to Cairo:
So far on all three flights I have worn a white shirt and I have confirmed that they are magnetically attracted to dark liquid such as food or drink and these substances lodge themselves in locations for maximum impact for the wearer. Which I thought was interesting. As I write this, both my white shirts are being laundered by the The Grande Nile Hotel. I'll let you know how that turns out.
On Day 2 of my odyssey I noticed a twitch in my lip here:
I was bored on the plane so I photographed it. Perhaps I should have videoed it. (Note to self: video twitch... the internet wants to know)
So I watched some movies in my 7 hours flight and found... KITTEN TV!! Imagine that! Hours of kittens... just... doing kitten stuff.
Brilliant!
I thought you might enjoy this conversation:
Emirates Steward: Beef or Chicken?
Me: Chicken please
ER: something something something
Me: er... water please
ER: What?
Me: Sorry?
ER: Beef or Chicken?
Me: Chicken Please?
ER: we don't have Chicken would you like Beef?
Me: Er... sure.
ER: Do you want something to drink?
You can guess the rest.
So the first seven hours were fine. Seats comfy, no problem. But then.... as we approached Dubai there was a massive fuck-off storm swirly around the city, so we were in a long holding pattern and I was watching the clock tick closer and closer to the boarding time for my connecting flight... then closer and closer to the flight gate closing time... stress.... lip twitch like a muthfukka.....
As we landed you could see cars driving through deep flooded streets.... in the desert!
So after much kafuffle we are released from the fuselage into the monstrous Dubai airport.... in Section A. My connection is in Section B.
Deep Breath. Ok.
A lady in a funny hat and heels -
Said "Cairo, Nairobi, Amsterdam" about 120 times while legging it across the airport, up and down elevators, caught a train, through security... to pant and puff and .... seriously...??
The connecting flight is being held up by the boarding of a woman about 100kg in a wheel chair. We have to wait to board (BTW: We are well past the flight's scheduled time to leave, at this stage).. and I follow her down the packed aisle that she can not fit down at all. She won't pull her elbows in and keeps bumping into everything.
She is finally at her seat and then.... the steward says... Madam please take you seat before this lady sits down. What? No! I booked a seat in the emergency section... I'm sure of it. OMG! The ticket says... I'm spending 4 hours next to this lady.
I climb in and and for over and hour we drive around the tarmac then for 2 hours I'm between the window seat and the aisle and this lady has half of her body draped over the arm rest and her elbow in my ribs. Lunch - was impossible. I could not eat with one arm pulled across my body and this woman did her best to spill everything everywhere... oh and just put her shit on my table - nice - I felt like I was in an episode of Seinfeld. Oh and she had a bottle of red wine! I fucking HATE red wine. It stains everything. It is banned in my home. This wine goes everywhere ...... drips on my dress -- managed to keep my white shirt out of it... but bloody hell... so uncomfortable - tried to help her mop it up... but stewards were no where to be found. Then she pulls up her tasteful leopard print jacket from the floor and it is drenched in wine... "ARGH" and "NO" I say as calmly as possible as she tries to put it ON MY LAP!
So I'm sitting on one buttock in the corner of my seat away from her to keep the red wine from my shirt and my spine is screaming.
There was ONE man who sat across the aisle who could speak this woman's language - no one else could understand her. Yes, she's travelling alone to Cairo, in a wheel chair with one working arm. That's courageous! So this guy has a conversation with her... and I knew exactly what it was about... I watched her speaking... and he replied with his hand on his heart like he was the nicest guy in the world and then he pointed back to the kitchen in the plane and got up... I knew it... he was going to get her another bloody bottle of red wine.
"Fuck this" I thought, and stood up and squeezed past her and she screamed and let out all types of hell as I had to try and step past her legs and I turned and said, "I'm so sorry, but I think I have to marry you now"
No one laughed.
Anyway I had planned to spend the rest of the flight standing up when the angel of mercy happened by and found me a another free seat... and low and behold... it was the seat I thought I had booked!!!
In my new location I can see why no steward came to assist us.... Chinese tourists. No one will sit down, no one will do what the stewards ask them to do - going the toilet while landing!!! arguing , shouting, talking at once, driving everyone mad. It was hilarious. As I left the aircraft I said to one of the lovely stewards who never lost her temper "You have the hardest job in the world!"
And then... I was in Egypt!
So far on all three flights I have worn a white shirt and I have confirmed that they are magnetically attracted to dark liquid such as food or drink and these substances lodge themselves in locations for maximum impact for the wearer. Which I thought was interesting. As I write this, both my white shirts are being laundered by the The Grande Nile Hotel. I'll let you know how that turns out.
On Day 2 of my odyssey I noticed a twitch in my lip here:
I was bored on the plane so I photographed it. Perhaps I should have videoed it. (Note to self: video twitch... the internet wants to know)
So I watched some movies in my 7 hours flight and found... KITTEN TV!! Imagine that! Hours of kittens... just... doing kitten stuff.
I thought you might enjoy this conversation:
Emirates Steward: Beef or Chicken?
Me: Chicken please
ER: something something something
Me: er... water please
ER: What?
Me: Sorry?
ER: Beef or Chicken?
Me: Chicken Please?
ER: we don't have Chicken would you like Beef?
Me: Er... sure.
ER: Do you want something to drink?
You can guess the rest.
So the first seven hours were fine. Seats comfy, no problem. But then.... as we approached Dubai there was a massive fuck-off storm swirly around the city, so we were in a long holding pattern and I was watching the clock tick closer and closer to the boarding time for my connecting flight... then closer and closer to the flight gate closing time... stress.... lip twitch like a muthfukka.....
As we landed you could see cars driving through deep flooded streets.... in the desert!
So after much kafuffle we are released from the fuselage into the monstrous Dubai airport.... in Section A. My connection is in Section B.
Deep Breath. Ok.
A lady in a funny hat and heels -
Said "Cairo, Nairobi, Amsterdam" about 120 times while legging it across the airport, up and down elevators, caught a train, through security... to pant and puff and .... seriously...??
The connecting flight is being held up by the boarding of a woman about 100kg in a wheel chair. We have to wait to board (BTW: We are well past the flight's scheduled time to leave, at this stage).. and I follow her down the packed aisle that she can not fit down at all. She won't pull her elbows in and keeps bumping into everything.
She is finally at her seat and then.... the steward says... Madam please take you seat before this lady sits down. What? No! I booked a seat in the emergency section... I'm sure of it. OMG! The ticket says... I'm spending 4 hours next to this lady.
I climb in and and for over and hour we drive around the tarmac then for 2 hours I'm between the window seat and the aisle and this lady has half of her body draped over the arm rest and her elbow in my ribs. Lunch - was impossible. I could not eat with one arm pulled across my body and this woman did her best to spill everything everywhere... oh and just put her shit on my table - nice - I felt like I was in an episode of Seinfeld. Oh and she had a bottle of red wine! I fucking HATE red wine. It stains everything. It is banned in my home. This wine goes everywhere ...... drips on my dress -- managed to keep my white shirt out of it... but bloody hell... so uncomfortable - tried to help her mop it up... but stewards were no where to be found. Then she pulls up her tasteful leopard print jacket from the floor and it is drenched in wine... "ARGH" and "NO" I say as calmly as possible as she tries to put it ON MY LAP!
So I'm sitting on one buttock in the corner of my seat away from her to keep the red wine from my shirt and my spine is screaming.
There was ONE man who sat across the aisle who could speak this woman's language - no one else could understand her. Yes, she's travelling alone to Cairo, in a wheel chair with one working arm. That's courageous! So this guy has a conversation with her... and I knew exactly what it was about... I watched her speaking... and he replied with his hand on his heart like he was the nicest guy in the world and then he pointed back to the kitchen in the plane and got up... I knew it... he was going to get her another bloody bottle of red wine.
"Fuck this" I thought, and stood up and squeezed past her and she screamed and let out all types of hell as I had to try and step past her legs and I turned and said, "I'm so sorry, but I think I have to marry you now"
No one laughed.
Anyway I had planned to spend the rest of the flight standing up when the angel of mercy happened by and found me a another free seat... and low and behold... it was the seat I thought I had booked!!!
In my new location I can see why no steward came to assist us.... Chinese tourists. No one will sit down, no one will do what the stewards ask them to do - going the toilet while landing!!! arguing , shouting, talking at once, driving everyone mad. It was hilarious. As I left the aircraft I said to one of the lovely stewards who never lost her temper "You have the hardest job in the world!"
And then... I was in Egypt!
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